A man in his forties bought a new BMW and headed out on the highway for a nice evening.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to see what the engine was up to.
As the needle climbs to 80 mph, he suddenly sees red and blue lights flashing behind him.
“There’s no way they can catch up with a BMW,” he says to himself, and opens it further.
The needle hit 90, then 100, and finally reality hit him and he knew he shouldn’t run from the police, so he slowed down and stopped.
The cop approached him, took his license without a word, and examined him and the car.
“It’s been a long day, it’s the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th.
I don’t feel like doing more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your behavior that I’ve never heard before, you can leave.”
The guy thought for a moment and said, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop.
I was afraid you were going to try to give it back to me.”
“Have a nice weekend,” the officer says and leaves.
A young programmer and his project manager board a train that crosses the mountains towards Wichita.
They can’t find a place to sit, except for two seats directly in front of a young woman and her grandmother.
After a while, it’s obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they glance at each other.
Soon the train passes through a tunnel and it becomes pitch black.
We hear the sound of a kiss followed by a slap.
When the train exits the tunnel, the four sit there silently.
The grandmother said to herself: “This young man had the audacity to kiss my granddaughter, but I’m glad she slapped him.”
The project manager sits and thinks: “I didn’t know the young tech guy was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I wish she hadn’t missed it when she slapped me!
The young woman sits and thinks: “I’m glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother hadn’t slapped him!
The young programmer sat with a satisfied smile on his face.
He says to himself: “Life is beautiful.
How many times does a man get the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap her project manager at the same time!
An old lady heard a song called “Two Lips and Seven Kisses”.
After hearing the song on the radio, she called the news service to get the name of the record company.
While dialing the number, she mistakenly called a gas station, and she asks,
“Do you have “Two Lips and Seven Kisses”?”
The attendant who answered the phone said,
“No, but I have two nuts and seven thumbs!”
The woman then asks: “Is this a record?”
To which the man replied: “No, it’s average!”
A judge was questioning a woman about her pending divorce and asked her: “What are the reasons for your divorce?
“What are the reasons for your divorce?”
She replied: “About four acres and a cute little house in the middle of the property, with a creek running.”
“No,” he said, “I mean what is the basis of this matter?”
“It’s made of concrete, bricks and mortar,” she replied.
“I mean,” he continued, “what are your connections?”
“I have an uncle and an aunt who live in town, as well as my husband’s parents.”
He added: “Do you have a real grudge?”
“No,” she replied, “we have a two-car port and we’ve never needed it.”
“Please,” he tried again, “is there infidelity in your marriage?”
“Yes, my son and my daughter both have a stereo.
We don’t necessarily like music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”
“Madam, does your husband ever beat you?”
“Yes,” she replies, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than me.
” Finally, frustrated, the judge asks: “Madam, why do you want a divorce?”
“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I never wanted a divorce.
My husband wants it. He says he can’t communicate with me!”
A man went to the police station to speak to the burglar who broke into his home the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court,” the desk sergeant said.
“No no no !” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do this for years!”
The CIA has three candidates, two men and one woman, for an assassin position.
On the last day of testing, the CIA proctor leads the first male candidate to a large steel door and hands him a pistol.
“We need to know that you will follow our instructions, whatever the circumstances,” he explains.
“In this room you will find your wife sitting on a chair. Take this gun and kill her.”
The man is horrified: “You’re not serious! I could never shoot my wife!”
“Well,” said the overseer, “you are certainly not the right man for the job.”
The CIA supervisor leads the second candidate to another large steel door and hands him a pistol.
“We need to know that you will follow instructions, regardless of the circumstances,” explains the supervisor.
“In this room you will find your wife sitting on a chair. Take this gun and kill her.”
The second man stabilizes, takes the gun and enters the room.
After three minutes of silence, the man leaves the room, tears in his eyes.
“I wanted to do it, but I couldn’t pull the trigger and kill my wife.
I guess I’m not the man for the job”.
Finally, the CIA supervisor leads the candidate to another large steel door and hands her a pistol.
“We need to be sure that you will follow instructions, whatever the circumstances.
In this room you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him.”
The woman takes the gun, enters the room and, before the door even closes completely behind her, she fires six shots.
All hell then breaks loose behind the door: swearing, shouting, crashing.
Suddenly everything goes silent. The door opens slowly, the woman comes out and, wiping the sweat from her forehead, she says,
“Did you know the gun was loaded with blanks? I had to beat that son of a bitch to death with the chair!”
Two men had just divorced and had sworn never to have anything to do with women again.
They were the best of friends and they decided to go to Alaska, as far north as possible, and never look at a woman again.
They went into a merchant’s store and said, “Give us enough provisions for two men for a year.”
The merchant gathered the materials and, on top of everyone’s provisions, he placed a board with a hole in it and surrounded by fur.
The guys said, “What’s this board for?” The merchant replied, “Well, where you are going there are no women and you might need some.”
They replied: “No way! We swore not to have any more women for life!”
The shopkeeper replied, “Well, take the boards with you, and if you don’t use them, I’ll pay you back next year. I’ll pay you back next year.”
“Okay,” they said, and left. The next year, this guy walked into the merchant’s store and said, “Give me enough provisions for one man for a year.”
The shopkeeper said to him: “Weren’t you here last year with a partner?”
“Yes,” said the man. “Where is he ?” asks the shopkeeper.
“I shot him,” the guy said. “For what ? “I caught him in bed with my pension.”
A little boy walks into an ice cream shop, wearing a cowboy hat and carrying a pair of six shooters.
The woman behind the counter can’t help but smile at the hard expression on her little baby face.
“Hello, cowboy,” she said. “What can I do for you ?”
The kid approaches the counter.
“I’ll have ice cream with caramel, cherries, nuts, sprinkles and chocolate syrup.”
“The seller asks: “Do you want your nuts crushed?
The little boy takes out his guns, points them at her and says
“Do you want us to pull on your melons?”
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, “Hey, haven’t seen you in a long time.
What happened ? You look very bad. What do you mean ? said the pirate, I feel good.
The bartender: And the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.
The Pirate: Well, we were in a battle and I got hit by a cannonball, but I’m okay now.
Bartender: Okay, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?
Pirate: We participated in another battle. I boarded a ship and fought with a sword. My hand was cut off. I was hooked. I’m fine, really…
Bartender: And that eyepatch?
The Pirate: Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over us. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.
Bartender: Are you kidding, you lost an eye to bird poop?
The Pirate: It was my first day with crochet.
A man invites a friend on a hunting trip to Africa. We are going to hunt gorillas.
I have never done such a thing, how do you hunt gorillas?
Well, it’s pretty easy, all you need is a dog, a large bag and a gun.
OK… And how do we use it?
It’s simple: I climb the tree, then I scare the gorilla so that he falls to the ground.
When the gorilla falls, the dog is trained, and will bite the gorilla’s balls,
and when he faints from the pain, we put him in the bag. It’s easy.
So why the gun?
If I fall first, you shoot the dog.
The husband and his young wife are not on good terms.
In fact, the woman was convinced that he was having an affair with the pretty housekeeper, and so she set a trap.
One evening, she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and did not inform the husband.
That evening when they went to bed, the husband told the old story,
“Excuse me, my dear stomach……..”, and disappeared into the bathroom.
The woman rushed into the hallway, up the back stairs and into the maid’s bed.
She just had time to turn off the light when he arrived silently……….
Without wasting time or words, he quickly pulled out his gun, got on top of her, and hit her like there was no tomorrow.
When he finished, while he was still panting, the woman said You didn’t expect to find me in this bed, did you?
“No, ma’am,” said the gardener.
71-year-old man drinks at Chicago bar
Suddenly, a beautiful 19-year-old girl walks in and sits a few seats away from him.
The girl is so attractive that the man can’t take his eyes off her
After a while, the girl notices that he is staring at her and approaches him.
Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him in the eyes and says in a sultry tone:
“I will do whatever you want
Whatever you can imagine in your wildest dreams, no matter how extreme or unusual, I’m up for it”.
I want 100 dollars, and there is another condition.”
Completely stunned by the turn of events, the man asks him what his condition is.
She replies: “You have to tell me what you want me to do in three words”.
The man takes a moment to think about the beautiful woman’s offer
He then takes out his wallet and puts ten ten dollar bills in the young woman’s outstretched hand.
He then looks her straight in the eyes and says slowly and clearly:
“Paint my house”.
On a flight to Chicago, a man suddenly felt an urgent need to use the bathroom.
He walks towards the men’s room, tapping his foot nervously on the floor of the plane.
Every time he tries to open the door, it is occupied.
A flight attendant notices his situation and says, “I’ll let you use the women’s restroom, but on one condition: don’t touch the buttons on the wall!
The man breathes a sigh of relief as he sits down on the toilet, and his attention shifts to the knobs on the wall.
The buttons were marked “WW, WA, PP and ATR”.
Making the mistake that so many men make by overlooking the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity take over,
the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.
He carefully presses the first button marked “WW” and hot water is immediately sprayed all over his buttocks.
He thought, “Wow, this is strangely nice, women really have it all figured out!
Still curious, he presses the “WA” button and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dries his rear end.
“It’s amazing,” he thought, “the men’s room is nothing like this!
He then pressed the “PP” button, resulting in a large puff that gently applied soft talcum powder to his posterior.
Naturally, he couldn’t resist the last “ATR” button, and everything went black.
When he woke up in the hospital, he panicked and called the nurse.
When she appeared, he cried out: “What happened to me?
The last thing I remember is being in an airplane bathroom.”
The nurse replies, “Yes, I’m sure you were having a great time until you pressed the ‘ATR’ button,
which means ‘Automatic Tampon Remover’.”
Late one evening, a marine arrives in a small town and finds that all the hotel rooms are occupied.
When he finally arrived at the last hotel, he begged the manager,
“You have to have a room somewhere, or just a bed, it doesn’t matter where.”
“Well, I have a double room with one occupant, a navy guy,” admits the manager, “and he might be happy to split the cost.
But in fact, he snores so loudly that the occupants of the neighboring rooms have already complained about it. I’m not sure it’s worth it for you.”
“No problem,” the tired marine assures him, “I’ll take it.”
The next morning, the marine arrives at breakfast, his eyes bright and his tail wagging.
“How did you sleep?” asked the director. “I have never slept so well.
The manager is impressed: “No problem with the other guy’s snoring, then?”
“No, I shut him up in no time,” the Marine replies.
“How did you do ?” asks the director.
“He was already in bed, snoring, when I entered the room,” explains the marine.
“I walked over, kissed him on the cheek, said ‘Good night, darling,’ and after that he stayed up all night looking at me…”
A man and his wife have a date.
They sit down and after looking through the menu, they both decide to order the soup of the day.
When the waiter brings their soup, the man drops his spoon on the floor.
“He turns to the waiter and says, “I’m really sorry, but could I have another one?
The waiter takes a new spoon from his top pocket.
“Here Mr.” said the waiter, handing him the spoon.
“Oh, thank you,” the man said, a little surprised.
The couple swallow their soup while chatting about the excellent service and the quality of the soup.
The man looks around the restaurant and notices that all the waiters have a spoon sticking out of their top pocket.
“Is everything to your liking, sir? asks the waiter.
“Oh, yes, that’s wonderful, thank you, I was just curious why all the waiters carried a spoon in each of their pockets.”
“Very observant, sir. Statistically, spoons are the utensils that fall most often, so to save time, we all have a spoon in our pockets.”
“That’s very clever, thank you.”
The waiter returns to the kitchen and the man digs back into his soup.
After a few sips, he looks around the room again and notices that all the waiters have a small piece of string hanging from the fly of their pants.
He signals again to the waiter who returns to the table.
“Can I do anything for you, sir?
“Just one more question, if you don’t mind,” the man said with genuine curiosity.
“I noticed that all the waiters had a piece of string hanging from their flies.
“Well, sir, to be completely honest, the string is attached to the tool, so that when we go to the toilet, we just take it out with the string so we don’t have to wash our hands, this which saves time”.
“Interesting,” the man said.
A slightly confused look crosses his face and he adds, “But what about when you have to put it away?”
“Well, sir,” said the waiter, leaning in conspiratorially, “personally, I use the spoon.”
A man and a woman are sleeping together when suddenly a noise is heard in the house,
the woman turns around and says: “He’s my husband, you have to leave!”
The man gets out of bed, jumps out of the window, crawls through the bushes and goes out into the street, when he realizes something.
He goes back into the house and says to the woman: “Wait, I’m your husband!”
She replies, looking at him with a bad look: “Then why did you run away?”
A married couple goes out one evening to a dance club.
On the dance floor, a man gives his all: break dancing, moon walking, back flips, everything goes.
The woman turns to her husband and says: “Do you see this guy?
Twenty years ago he proposed to me and I refused”.
The husband replies: “Looks like he’s still partying!”
Arold lived on a farm and his wife, Mabel, always harassed him.
And every year the carnival came to town and offered $50 helicopter rides.
He always wanted to do one of those helicopter rides, but his wife told him they weren’t going to waste money on it.
One year, when they were both over sixty, the man turned to his wife and said:
“Mabel, I’m in the twilight of my life and I’m not leaving this damn carnival until I take a helicopter ride.”
“No, Hiccup! Fifty dollars is fifty dollars!”
A violent argument ensues that the entire fairground can hear.
However, the helicopter pilot hears these two people arguing about the helicopter ride and he sees an opportunity.
“Hey, you two!” he said. He says: “If you can both get in the helicopter and stay calm, the ride is free.
But if any of you make the slightest noise…well….fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”
The old man accepts the deal and they both leave in the helicopter.
The pilot wants to get this 50 dollars and starts doing pirouettes, spins and all kinds of tricks to get this money.
But neither of them makes the slightest sound. When the pilot lands, he is exhausted.
“Damn, you’ve all been pretty busy the whole way.”
That’s when Harold speaks. “I would have told you Mabel fell out of the plane ten minutes ago, but fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”
Three men are sitting in a bar. Suddenly, the first man’s phone started ringing,
He responds immediately, then, without saying anything, rushes towards the exit, before rushing back,
quickly throws $10 bills onto the bar while muttering, “Damn, I forgot to do the dishes, the wife is on her way home.” Then he started running faster than before.
The second guy laughs. “Look at this ! You know that at home, I’m the one who decides,” he said, getting up and taking out his wallet to pay for his drink.
“As soon as I enter the house, when I clap my hands twice, hot water is immediately prepared for me.”
Then he walks towards the door, “…I hate doing dishes with cold water.”
Meanwhile, the third man silently enjoys his drink. He calmly drank each sip with an air of satisfaction.
The bartender said, “Well, sir, I guess you have a nice life compared to those two. You are the master of your domain, aren’t you?”
The guy smiles and responds, “I don’t want to brag, but the last time I talked to my wife, she was on her knees. On all fours, even.”
“What did she say ?” asks the bartender.
The third man sips his drink, then says, “She said if I was really a man, I needed to come out from under the bed.”
A prince was bewitched so that he could only speak one word a year.
If he didn’t speak for two years, the next year he could speak two words, and so on.
One day he fell in love with a beautiful lady.
He refrained from speaking for two whole years so he could call her “sweetheart”.
But then he wanted to tell her that he loved her, and he waited three more years.
At the end of these five years, he wanted to ask her to marry him, and he waited another four years.
Finally, at the end of the ninth year of silence, he took the lady to the most romantic place in the kingdom and said to her: “My darling, I love you,
“My darling I love you ! Would you marry me ?”
The lady replied: “Excuse me?”
The very snobbish wife was discussing Christmas presents with her maid.
“And the butler?”, said the rich woman.
“A set of wine glasses?”, suggests the maid.
The woman frowns frostily. “He doesn’t really need it. A butler never entertains. He will have a tie.”
The maid grimaces, but just says: “And a dress for Jenny, the maid?”
The woman frowns again. “She doesn’t really need a new dress.
She’ll only get herself into trouble. We’ll buy her another apron.”
The conversation continued in the same vein, and the servant became irritated by the arrogance of her
the arrogance of her employer when they reached her husband.
“I suppose you want to give him something he really needs, ma’am,” the servant replied.
“Of course,” the woman replied. “So, how about three more inches?”, said the maid.
Two homeless people hatch a plan to get free drinks at a bar.
The first one has an idea: “We’ll buy a hot dog and stick it down your pants,
We go into the bar, we get our drinks, we drink, and when the bartender asks for his money, we’ll pull down our pants and I’ll take what you put there into my mouth.
He will kick us out and we won’t have to pay. It’s awesome !”
The second man agrees and they do this in the first bar where it works as expected.
They then go to four more bars and the first man says, “It’s great to get all these free drinks!”
The other man replies: “Yes, especially because the hot dog fell into the first bar”.
An Arab and his wife are halfway through a long walk through the desert when suddenly their camel sits down and refuses to get up.
The Arab hits him with his stick, pulls with all his strength on the reins, swears and calls on Allah for help.
In vain, the camel refuses to move.
The woman, who was standing on the back of the camel, said: “Wait, I’ll try.”
Suddenly, the camel gets up and rushes towards the sandy horizon.
The Arab asks his wife what she did.
“I gave him a big kick between the back legs, on this thing that looks like a bag and that’s hanging there.
The Arab, looking resigned, bends down and touches his toes, his ass turned towards his wife, and says to her: “Go ahead, do it”
She asks him what to do and he tells her to kick me in the same place because I have to catch the damn camel.
Sam called his wife and said in a weak voice,
“I was driving to a cafe to meet Mary when suddenly a stray dog got in my way.
I tried to turn left to avoid hitting it, but the car skidded from the speed, rolled over and almost fell off the cliff.
The car was hanging nose down from the cliff, and I looked down, fearing imminent death.
“I managed to get out of the car and save my life, just before she fell off the cliff, crashing thousands of meters below, and was blown to smithereens.
Sam continues: “I was taken to the hospital. I have a broken leg, a broken jaw, a dislocated shoulder and several head injuries.”
There was silence on the phone, then the woman asked, “Who is Mary?”
When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through the numbers he had saved,
I scrolled through her saved numbers, stopped at “Mom” and pressed “Send”.
His mother answered and I told her what had happened.
“She told me: ‘Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it.’
A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was “mom”.
“Martin,” she said, “you left your cell phone at the convenience store.”
As a senior citizen drives down the highway, his cell phone rings.
As he answers, he hears the voice of his wife who urgently warns him:
“Vernon, I just heard on the news that a car is driving the wrong way on the M25 motorway.
Please be careful!”
“Damn,” said Vernon, “it’s not just one car, it’s hundreds of cars!” There are hundreds of them!”
A Polish man had married a Canadian woman after living in Canada for about a year, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got along well.
One day, however, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could get a divorce for him…. “very quickly !!!”
The lawyer explains to him that the speed of the divorce depends on the circumstances and asks him the following questions:
Lawyer: “Do you have motives?!”
The Pole: “One and a half hectares and a beautiful three-bedroom house!!!”
Lawyer: “No, I mean what is the basis of the case?!”
The Pole: “It’s made of concrete, bricks and mortar!!”
Lawyer: “Do any of you have a real grudge?!”
The Pole: “No, we have a carport… no need for hard feelings!!”
Lawyer: “I mean, how are your relationships?!”
The Pole: “All my relations live in Poland!!”
Lawyer: “Was there infidelity in your marriage?!”
The Pole: “Yes… we have a high fidelity stereo and a DVD player with 6.1 surround sound!!”
Lawyer: “No, I mean your wife beats you?!”
Polish: “No, I’m always up before her!!”
The lawyer: “Why do you want to divorce? !”
Polish man: “She’s going to kill me!!!!”
Lawyer: “What makes you think that? !”
The Pole: “I have proof!”
The lawyer: “What kind of proof? !”
The Pole: “She will poison me. She bought a bottle at the pharmacy and I read the label. It is written…
POLISH REMOVER !!!!
A man and his wife enter a hotel
The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is very tired and decides to go up to their room to rest.
She lies down on the bed when, suddenly, an overhead train passes close to the window and shakes the room so hard that she is thrown out of bed.
Thinking that this is an extraordinary event, she lies down again
Again, a train shakes the room so violently that she is thrown to the ground.
Exasperated, she calls the reception and asks for the manager
He replies that he will arrive straight away.
The director is skeptical, but the woman insists that the story is true.
“Listen, lie down on the bed and you will be knocked to the ground!
she told him. So he lies down next to his wife.
That’s when the husband enters. “What are you doing here?” he said.
The director calmly responds: “Do you think I’m waiting for a train?”
A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.
The interviewer summons the mathematician and asks him: “What is two plus two worth?”
The mathematician answers: “Four”.
The interviewer asks: “Four, exactly?”
The mathematician looks at his interlocutor in disbelief and replies: “Yes, four, exactly”.
The interviewer then calls the accountant and asks him the same question: “Two plus two equals what?”.
The accountant replies: “On average, four – give or take ten percent, but on average, four.”
The investigator then calls the economist and asks him the same question: “What does two plus two correspond to?”
The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the blind, sits next to the interviewer and says: “What do you want it to equal?”
A veterinarian felt unwell and consulted her doctor.
He asks him all the usual questions, about the symptoms, their age, etc.
when she interrupted him: “As a veterinarian, I don’t need to ask my patients all kinds of boring questions: As a veterinarian, I don’t need to ask all kinds of boring questions to my patients: I can tell what is wrong just by looking. Why not you ?”
The doctor nods, walks away, looks her up and down, quickly writes a prescription, hands it to her and says: “Here you go.
Of course, if that doesn’t work, you’ll have to go to sleep.”
A lab supervisor was on duty in the university’s computer lab on a quiet afternoon.
He notices a young woman sitting at one of the workstations, her arms crossed over her chest and staring at the screen.
After about ten minutes, he notices that she is still in the same position, but that she is impatiently tapping her foot.
He approached her and asked if she needed help; she turned to him and replied, “Well, it’s about time!
I pressed the HELP button over fifteen minutes ago!”
Ben came from a large family. He had five sisters and three brothers.
One day, while looking through the family photo album with his mother, he noticed, page after page, that all the children were dressed in the same colors.
He asks his mother why they are all dressed the same way.
She explains to him: “In the beginning, when we only had four children, I dressed you all the same so that we wouldn’t lose any of you.
“Then,” she added, “when the other five children arrived, I started dressing you the same way so that we wouldn’t accidentally bring home a child that didn’t belong to us.
The cowboy was trying to get a health insurance policy.
The insurance agent asks him the usual questions.
“Have you ever had an accident?” “No, not one.”
“None ? You’ve never had an accident.” “No. I’ve never had one. Never.”
“Well, you said in this form that you were bitten by a snake once.
You don’t consider it an accident?”
“Of course not. This filth bit me on purpose.”
A group of friends are on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign saying: “Women Only”. As they are not accompanied by their boyfriend or husband, they decide to enter.
The bouncer, a very attractive man, explains to them how it works. “We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you’re looking for, you can stay there. It’s easy to decide since each floor has a sign that indicates what’s inside.”
So they start to go up and on the first floor, the sign says: “All the men on this floor are small and simple”. The friends laugh and, without hesitation, move on to the next floor.
On the second floor, the poster reads: “All the men on this floor are short and ordinary: “All the men here are short and handsome.” But that’s not enough, and the friends continue to rise.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: “All the men here are tall and handsome: “All the men here are tall and ordinary.”
They want to do even better and, knowing that there are still two floors to go, they continue to climb.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: “Here, all men are tall and handsome”. The women are all excited and are about to go in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they go up to the fifth floor.
There, they find a sign that says: “There are no men here. This floor was built solely to prove that there is no way to please a woman.”
A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to hit a ball to see how she would do.
The blonde does so and completely misses her shot.
The professional then said to him: “Your swing is good, but you are holding the stick too hard; squeeze it gently as you would your husband’s gun”.
The blonde played another shot and hit the ball 275 yards down the fairway.
The pro says: “It was excellent! Let’s try again, but this time take the club out of your mouth.”
Woman 1: Oh!
You got your hair cut!
This is so cute !
Woman 2: Do you think so?
I wasn’t sure when she gave me the mirror.
Don’t you think they look too fluffy?
Woman 1: Oh my God, no! No, it’s perfect.
I would love to have my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide.
I don’t think I can do otherwise.
Woman 2 – Are you serious?
I find your face adorable. And you could easily get one of those layered cuts – it would be so cute I think.
I was going to do it, but I was afraid it would accentuate my long neck.
Woman 1: Oh, that’s funny! I would love to have your neck!
Anything to distract from that two by four I have for a shoulder.
Woman 2 – Are you kidding? I know girls who would love to have your shoulders.
Everything drapes so nicely on you.
I mean, look at my arms – see how short they are?
If I had your shoulders, I would have an easier time finding clothes that fit me.
Man 1: Haircut?
Man 2: Yes.
It’s about time Paddy got married.
So his parents called a marriage broker in Dublin and asked him to find a good bride for their son:
The broker goes to their house and spends a long time asking Paddy and his parents questions about what they want in a wife or daughter-in-law.
They give him a long list of requirements.
The marriage broker spends a long time looking here, there and everywhere, and ends up visiting the family with a proposal for a potential bride.
He then tells them about a wonderful woman he found.
He said: “She is the right age for your son. She keeps a neat house, she is a good Catholic and knows the prayers by heart.
She is an excellent cook, she loves children, wants a big family and, to top it all off, she is beautiful”.
After hearing all this, the family is very impressed and begins to look forward to the prospect of a wedding in the near future.
But Paddy still has some doubts and nonchalantly asks: “Is she that good in bed?”
The marriage broker responds, “Well, some say yes and some say no.”
Little Johnny was attending his first wedding.
After the ceremony, his cousin asked him,
“How many women can a man marry?”
“Sixteen,” replied little Johnny.
His cousin was surprised that he found an answer so quickly.
“How do you know ?
“Easy,” replied little Johnny.
“All you have to do is add up like the bishop said: 4 best, 4 worst, 4 richest, 4 poorest.”
A woman was with her boyfriend in her bedroom.
Panicked, she told her friend: “Hurry up, stand in the corner and don’t move until I tell you.
Close your eyes and pretend you’re a statue.”
“What is that, darling?” her husband asks as he enters the room.
“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replies nonchalantly.
“Our neighbors bought one for their bedroom. I loved it so much I bought one for us too.”
They fell asleep and around four in the morning the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
“He said to the statue: “Here, eat a little.
I stayed like an idiot at the neighbors house for two days and no one offered me even a glass of water.”
Sam called his wife and said in a weak voice,
“I was driving to a cafe to meet Mary when suddenly a stray dog got in my way.
I tried to turn left to avoid hitting it, but the car skidded from the speed, rolled over and almost fell off the cliff.
The car was hanging nose down from the cliff, and I looked down, fearing imminent death.
“I managed to get out of the car and save my life, just before she fell off the cliff, crashing thousands of meters below, and was blown to smithereens.
Sam continues: “I was taken to the hospital. I have a broken leg, a broken jaw, a dislocated shoulder and several head injuries.”
There was silence on the phone, then the woman asked, “Who is Mary?”
My girlfriend and I have been together for two years already and we have decided to get married.
My parents helped us as much as they could and all my friends said it was a great idea!
My girlfriend ? It is a dream !
But there is something that bothers me! That something is his little sister…
She’s my 20 year old future sister-in-law, wearing super skinny, mini skirts and crop tops.
She always leans forward and I often got a chance to see her underwear.
She’s never done this in front of anyone else!
One day she calls me and asks me to come home to see the wedding invitations.
When I arrived, she was alone.
She whispered to me that I was getting married soon and that she had feelings for me for a long time and thought she couldn’t get over them.
She also said that she desperately wanted to have s°x with me just once before I married her sister.
She told me she was going to bed and asked me if I wanted to go upstairs with her.
I froze and watched her go up the stairs.
On the way up, she took off her pants and threw them at me.
I realized I had no protection.
I stood there for a moment, then ran to the door, opened it and walked to the car.
My future father-in-law stood outside with tears in his eyes,
He hugged me and said: I’m glad you passed this little test and I’m sure my daughter couldn’t find a better man.
Welcome to the family, my son!”
A farmer has four beautiful daughters
He’s a little too protective of them, so when Friday evening arrives, he greets the gentlemen at the door with a gun on his shoulder,
he greets the gentlemen at the door with a shotgun on his shoulder.
On Friday evening, the doorbell rang. He goes there, gun in hand, and opens the door to a young man who says to him: “Hello, I’m Freddy:
“Hello, I’m Freddy! I’m coming to get Betty! We’re going to eat spaghetti! She is ready ?”
The farmer is a little taken aback by this greeting, but he doesn’t see anything wrong with this guy, so he says, “Okay, take her home by 10 o’clock.”
A few minutes later, the doorbell rings again and the farmer opens the door, his shotgun on his shoulder, to a young man who says to him: “Hello, I’m Jim!
“Hello, my name is Jim! I’m coming to get Kim! We’re going to swim! I can enter ?”
The farmer is again taken aback by the greeting, but once again he sees nothing wrong with the young man, so he says to him:
“Okay, get her home by 10, and don’t do anything stupid in the pool.”
A few minutes later, the doorbell rings again and the farmer opens the door, his shotgun on his shoulder, to a young man who says to him: “Hello, I’m Joe!
“Hello, my name is Joe! I’m coming to get Flo! We’re going to see a show! She can come ?”
The farmer is now completely stunned by these greetings, but again, he sees nothing wrong with the young man, so he says, “Okay, take her home by 10.”
A few minutes later, the doorbell rings one last time, and the farmer opens the door, his hunting rifle on his shoulder, to a young man who says to him:
“Hello, my name is Chuck…” and the farmer shoots him.
A young army soldier asks his commander for permission to leave camp the following weekend.
“He explains that his wife is expecting a child.
“I understand,” the officer told him.
“Go ahead and tell your wife I wish her luck.
The following week, the same soldier returned with the same explanation: “My wife is expecting a child.”
The officer looks surprised: “Are you still waiting for something?
Well, boy, you must be very bored. Of course you can take your weekend off.”
But when the same soldier shows up again in the third week, the officer loses his cool.
“Don’t tell me your wife is still pregnant,” he said.
“Yes, sir,” the soldier replies with determination. “She is still expecting a child.”
“What is she waiting for?” asks the officer.
The soldier simply responds,
“Moi.
A young farming couple, Homer and Daisy, got married and couldn’t get enough of love.
In the morning, before Homer leaves the house to go to the fields, they make love.
When Homer came back from the fields, they made love.
After dinner, they made love. And again at bedtime, they make love.
The problem was at noon: it took Homer half an hour to get home and another half hour to return to the fields, and he couldn’t get enough work done.
Finally, Homer asked the town doctor what to do. “Homer,” said the doctor, “take your rifle into the fields and, when you are in the mood, fire a shot in the air.
This will be Daisy’s signal to come to you. So you won’t waste time in the fields.”
They followed the doctor’s advice and it worked well for a while, until one day Homer came back to the doctor’s office.
“What’s wrong ? asks the doctor. “My idea didn’t work?”
“Oh, that worked out well,” Homer said. “Whenever I was in the mood, I would fire a shot like you said and Daisy would come running.
We would find a secluded place, have s+x, and then she would go home.”
“Good, Homer. So what’s the problem ?” asks the Doc.
“Maybe I trained her too well. I haven’t seen her since the hunting season started!”
A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition.
On the way home, his wife, very worried, asked him: “So, darling? How is my mother?”
He replies: “She looks in great shape! “She looks in great shape! She is healthy ! She will live for many more years!
Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come to live with us, forever!”
“It’s incredible !” – said the wife – “But it’s very strange, my dear… yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she had a few days left to live!”
“Well, I don’t know how she was yesterday,” he replies, “but today when I got to the hospital the doctor told me that we should prepare ourselves for death,
the doctor told me that we had to prepare for the worst”.
A man enters a bookstore, looking for nothing in particular. As he walks towards the back of the store, he sees something interesting.
A book with a very interesting title: “Dating for the New Millennium. What women Want”. He takes it and opens it to a random page.
“Chapter 1: The first date”.
He glances at the chapter for a few minutes, then rushes out of the bookstore to call a girl he’s been wanting to ask out for a while. Once he gets home, he picks up the phone and calls her. She replies: “Hello?”
He replies: “Hello, Jessica. I was wondering if you wanted to go see a movie with me tonight.”
She replies: “Of course, I don’t see a problem with it.”
He’s excited. He thought she would say no, but she didn’t.
He therefore decides to go further. He asks: “Great, how about we have dinner before the movie?”
She replies: “Of course, that would be great too!” “Very well, I’ll pick you up around nine o’clock.
You should be finished eating by now.
Two deaf men chat during their coffee break about being out late the night before.
The first sign to his friend: “My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to crawl into bed and not get in trouble.”
The second deaf man responds with a sign: “You’re lucky.
My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and scolding me for being out so late.”
The first deaf man asked, “So what did you do?”
The second deaf man signs: “I turned off the light!”
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk.
A man comes in and asks the farmer, “Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?”
Farmer: There are things we can’t explain. Man: What happened so horrible?
Farmer: Well, if you want to know, today I was sitting next to my cow milking her.
As I filled the bucket, she took her left paw and knocked it over.
Man: It’s not that bad, what’s the problem?
Farmer: There are things we can’t explain.
Man: So what happened?
Farmer: I took his left leg and tied it to the left post with rope.
Then I sat down and continued milking her. Just as the bucket was about full, she took her right leg and kicked it over.
Man: Again? The Farmer: There are things we can’t explain.
Man: So what did you do?
Farmer: I took his right leg and tied it to the right post.
Man: So what did you do?
Farmer: I sat down and continued to milk her, and just when the bucket was about full, this stupid cow knocked the bucket over with her tail.
Man: You must have been very upset!
Farmer: There are things that we cannot explain.
Man: So what did you do?
Farmer: I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied his tail to the rafter. Just then my pants fell off and my wife walked in.
Three doctors discuss what types of patients they prefer.
Dr. Watson says, “I prefer librarians. All their organs are arranged alphabetically.”
Dr. Fitzpatrick says, “I prefer math. All their organs are numbered.”
Dr. Ahn says, “I prefer lawyers. They are characterless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and backs are interchangeable.”
Why did the deceased person’s will get so much attention at the funeral?
Because they left everyone dying to know who got what!
While reading the newspaper, Walter came across an article about a beautiful actress and model who had married a boxer who was not known for his IQ.
who married a boxer who was not known for his IQ.
“I will never understand,” he said to his wife,
“why it’s the biggest idiots who have the most beautiful women”.
His wife replied: “Thank you, my dear!”
An old blind cowboy enters a biker bar by mistake.
He sits on a stool and orders a glass of Jack Daniels.
After sitting for a while, he shouts to the bartender,
“Hey, do you want to hear a blonde joke?” Immediately, the bar goes absolutely silent.
In a very deep and hoarse voice, the woman next to him said,
“Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it’s only fair, since you’re blind, that you know five things:
The bartender is a blonde with a baseball bat.
The bouncer is a blonde with a “Billy-Club”.
I am a blonde woman, 1.80 m tall, weighing 1.80 kg and holds a black belt in karate.
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
The woman to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now think seriously, Cowboy… Do you still want to tell that joke about blondes?”
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
“No… not if I have to explain it five times…”
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for 10 glasses of whiskey.
The bartender asks him, “What’s wrong?”
The man responds: “I found out my brother was gay and he married my best friend. »
The next day, the same man arrives and orders 12 glasses of whiskey.
The bartender asks him, “What’s wrong this time?” »
The man responds: “I found out my son is gay. »
The next day, the same man enters the bar and orders 15 glasses of whiskey.
The bartender then asks him: “No one in your family likes women?”
The man looks up and says, “Apparently my wife likes them.” »
An ugly, fat, mean woman with two children walks into Wal Mart,
shouting angrily at children for no reason.
The man at the front desk said happily:
“Hello and welcome to Wal-Mart. They are cute, these children! They are twins ?”
The horrible woman stopped screaming, just enough to say,
“Damn, they’re not twins… The eldest is 9 and the other is 7!
Are you blind or just stupid?” “No ma’am… I am neither blind nor stupid…
I can’t understand that there is a brave man who beat you twice.”
One day I was sitting at a bar and two very tall women walked in, speaking with an interesting accent.
I said, “Cool accent, are you two women from Ireland?”
One of them growled back: “It’s Wales, dumbo!”
So I corrected myself: “Ah yes, you are two whales from Ireland?”
That’s about all I remember.
A man, his wife and a handsome stranger are stranded on a desert island.
The wife quickly loses interest in her husband and begins flirting with the handsome stranger.
The three men begin to build a watchtower. The stranger offers to stand first guard.
As the husband and wife gather wood from the sand, the stranger shouts,
“Hey ! No nasty things on the beach! Get back to work!”
The husband shouts back: “We’re not doing anything bad!”
Later, the stranger shouts at them again. The husband shouts again and corrects him.
This situation repeats itself several times during the custody of the foreigner.
Finally, the husband takes his post in the watchtower.
His wife and the handsome stranger make passionate love on the beach.
The husband who is keeping watch exclaims: “Wow, it really looks like naughty from here!”
A boat goes out to sea and crashes.
6 people (1 woman and 5 men) survive and use a life raft to float to a desert island.
After spending several weeks on the island, they begin to feel very lonely and lack s+x.
They then agree. All men will marry the same woman for a week.
So the first man has it for one week, the second man has it for the second week, and so on.
Everyone will be happy and everyone agrees.
It lasts five years and everyone is happy.
Each man has his turn every five weeks and the woman can have fun whenever she wants with a different man every week.
A few weeks into the fifth year, the woman dies.
The first week is pretty bad, the second week is still pretty bad,
the third week gets worse, the fourth week things get bad, really bad, and the fifth week is just horrible.
The situation becomes so serious that in the sixth week, he is buried.
A husband and wife were playing golf when suddenly the wife asked,
“Honey, if I died, would you marry again?”
The husband replied, “No, darling.” The woman said, “I’m sure you would.”
The man said, “Okay, I will.” Then the woman asks: “Would you let her sleep in our bed?”
The man replies: “Yes, I think so.”
Then the woman asked, “Would you let her use my golf clubs?”
The husband replies: “No, she is left-handed.”
A man walks into a barbershop and says, “I’m going to get my shoes shaved and my shoes shined.”
The barber soaps his face and sharpens the blade while a woman with the most beautiful breasts he has ever seen kneels and polishes his shoes.
The man said, “You and I should spend some time in a hotel room.”
She replies: “My husband wouldn’t like that.”
The man said, “Tell him you’re working overtime and I’ll pay you the difference.”
She replies: “Tell him. He’s the one who shaves you.”
A newlywed couple moves into their new home.
One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says to him,
“Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom, one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?”
The husband replies: “What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?”
A few days later, he comes home from work and his wife tells him,
“Honey, the car won’t start. I think it needs a new battery.
Can you change it for me?” He replies, “What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?”
A few days later, it was pouring rain.
The woman finds a leak in the roof. She says, “Honey, there’s a leak on the roof! Can you fix it, please?”
He replies: “What do I look like, Bob Vila?”
The next day, the husband comes home and the roof is repaired.
Plumbing too. The car too. He asks his wife what happened.
“Oh, I had a handyman come and fix them,” she replies.
“It’s awesome ! How much is this going to cost me?”, he grumbles.
His wife replies: “Nothing. He said he would do it for free if I baked him a cake or slept with him.”
“Um, well, what kind of cake did you make?” asks the husband.
“What do I look like,” she said, “like Betty Crocker?”
On Christmas Eve, a Scottish man calls his son in London and says: “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.
“I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting divorced; forty-five years of unhappiness, that’s enough!
Dad, what are you talking about? cries the son.
“We can’t stand seeing each other anymore,” said the father.
“We’ve had enough of each other and I’ve had enough of talking about it, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”
The son frantically calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
She shouts: “Damn, they’re going to divorce!”, “I’m going to take care of this!”.
She immediately calls Scotland and yells at her father: “You are NOT getting a divorce.
Don’t do anything until I get there. I’ll call my brother back and we’ll both be there tomorrow.
Until then, don’t do anything, you hear me?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife: “It’s settled! They come for Christmas – and they pay their way.”
On the occasion of their 25th wedding anniversary and during the banquet which celebrated it, Joseph was invited to present to his friends the advantages of such a long marriage,
Joseph was invited to briefly present to his friends the benefits of such a long marriage.
“Tell us Joseph, what have you learned from all these wonderful years spent with your wife?
Joseph responds, “Well, I have learned that marriage is the best teacher.
It teaches you loyalty, gentleness, tolerance, restraint, forgiveness –
and many other qualities that you would not have needed if you had remained single.”
A man walks into a tattoo parlor and asks to have a $100 bill tattooed on his gun.
Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would want that.
“Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to see it grow,
and a hundred dollars seems to be the only thing my wife is willing to blow these days.”
Three men (an Asian, an American and a Mexican) are on board a hot air balloon and are trying to return home.
Something has punctured the hot air balloon and it is descending very quickly.
The three men decide to throw away the things they don’t need so that the hot air balloon doesn’t descend too quickly.
The Asian throws rice and says: “I have a lot of rice in my country.”
The Mexican threw some beans and said, “I have plenty of them in my country.”
The American threw the Mexican.
The Asian said to himself: “Why did you do that?”
The American said: “We have a lot of them in my country.”
A typical macho man married a typical beautiful woman, and after marriage he established the following rules:
“I will be home when I want, if I want and at the time I want and I don’t expect any hassle from you.
I expect there to be a nice dinner on the table, unless I tell you I won’t be home for dinner.
I go hunting, fishing, drinking and playing cards whenever I want with my old friends and don’t mind.
These are my rules. Comments ?”
His new wife replies: “No, that suits me.
Just understand that there will be s*x here at seven every night…
whether you are there or not.”
An elderly couple, both widowed, had been dating for a long time.
Encouraged by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went to dinner and had a long conversation about how their marriage could work.
They discussed finances, living conditions, etc.
Finally, the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
“How do you feel about s+x?” he asked, rather shyly.
“I wish it was less frequent,” she replied.
The old man was silent for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned towards her,
then leaned towards her and whispered: “Is that a word or two?”
A drunk man enters his house with a duck under his arm.
He approaches his wife with the duck and says to her,
“That’s the pig I fucked.”
His wife replies: “It’s a duck.”
He hastens to respond: “I wasn’t talking to you.”
Ben asks his new girlfriend to give him a HJ.
“I’ve never done this,” she said, “what should I do?”
“Well,” Ben replies, “do you remember when you were a kid and you shook a bottle of coke and sprayed your brother with it… that’s what you do.”
She nods, he takes out his manhood, she grabs it and begins to shake it.
A minute later, he has tears streaming down his face, snot running from his nose, and wax leaking from his ears.
She asks him: “What’s wrong?
Ben shouts: “TAKE YOUR F*KING THUMB OFF THE END!”
If you had a dollar,” the teacher asked, “and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?
“and you ask your father for another dollar and fifty cents,
How much money would you have?”
“A dollar,” replies little Johnny.
“You don’t know basic math,” the teacher said, shaking her head in disappointment.
Little Johnny also shook his head: “You don’t know my dad.”
3 fathers who brag about their children’s success have a surprise when a 4th father tells them this!
Four friends, who had not seen each other for 30 years, met again at a party.
After having a few drinks, one of the men had to go to the bathroom.
Those who stayed talked about their children.
The first said: “My son is my pride and joy.
He started working at the bottom of the ladder in a successful company.
He studied economics and business management and quickly began to rise through the ranks, eventually becoming president of the company.
He became so rich that he gave his best friend a high-end Mercedes for his birthday.
The second man says, “Damn, that’s great! My son is also my pride and joy.
He started working for a major airline and later attended flight school to become a pilot.
Eventually, he became a partner in the company, of which he owns the majority of assets.
He’s so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.
The third man said, “That’s great! “Well, that’s great! My son studied at the best universities and became an engineer.
He then started his own construction company and is now a multi-millionaire.
He also gave something very beautiful and very expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.
The three friends congratulate each other when the fourth comes back from the toilet and asks: “Why all the congratulations”?
One of the three friends responds: “We were talking about the pride we feel in our sons’ successes. And your son?”
The fourth man replied: “My son is g*y and makes his living as a lap dancer in a nightclub.”
The three friends said, “What a shame…what a disappointment.”
The fourth man replies: “No, I’m not ashamed. He’s my son and I love him.
And he didn’t do too badly either. He celebrated his birthday two weeks ago,
and he received a 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends!”
A salesman rings the doorbell and little Johnny answers.
Salesman: “Can I see your father?”
Johnny: “No, he’s in the shower.”
Salesman: “And your mother? Can I see her ?”
Johnny: “No. She’s also in the shower.”
Salesman: “Do you think they will be released soon?”
Johnny: “I doubt it. When my dad asked me for Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead.”
A respectable, friendly lady, who smelled of perfume, got on the bus and sat next to me.
After a few moments, I dared to ask her: “Excuse me ma’am, do you mind me asking you
what is the name of this perfume and where did you buy it? I would like to buy one for my wife”.
The lady replies: “It’s Chanel and it comes from Paris.”
After about ten minutes, I felt a strong wind in my stomach and I slowly expelled it.
A few seconds later she stopped and said, “Off…what is that smell my God”?
I said, “Garlic and from the town of Gilroy, California.”
A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.
That’s what they did. Before leaving, he told her that he had no cash on him,
but that he would ask his secretary to write a check and send it to him, calling it “APARTMENT RENTAL”.
On the way to the office, he regrets what he promised, believing that the event is not worth it.
He therefore asks his secretary to send a check for 250 dollars, accompanied by the following note:
Dear Madam, Enclosed you will find a check for $250 for the rental of your apartment.
I am not sending the agreed amount because when I rented the apartment, I had the impression that:
1) that it had never been occupied
2) that there was sufficient heating
3) that it was small enough for me to feel comfortable and at home there.
However, last night I discovered that it had already been occupied, that there was no heating and that it was much too big.
Upon receiving the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 along with the following note:
Dear Sir, First of all, I don’t understand how you can expect a nice apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for heating, there is some if you know how to turn it on.
As far as space is concerned, the apartment is indeed a normal size,
but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, don’t blame the owner!
blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck together on a desert island.
The island is 20 miles from the nearest inhabited island and they all decide to try to swim there.
The redhead manages to run 10 miles, becomes exhausted, gives up and drowns.
The brunette travels 15 miles before she is too tired to go any further and drowns.
The blonde moves 19 miles away from the desert island,
decides she is too tired to go any further and swims to the deserted island.
One day, while a blonde was driving her car, she crashed into a truck.
The truck driver forced her to pull into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the road.
He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he approached his car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing. This made the man even more furious and he smashed the windshield of his car.
This time, the blonde laughed even harder. Furious, the man breaks all the windows of his car and the key.
The blonde is now bursting into laughter and the truck driver asks her what’s so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, “When you weren’t looking,
I left the circle three times!
A man driving on a country road was forced to stop in front of a giant puddle that covered the entire road.
Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed a farmer leaning on a fence.
“The man asks him if he can cross safely.
“I think so,” replies the farmer.
The puddle immediately engulfed the man’s car.
In fact, it was so deep that he had to roll down his window to swim out of his car and to the surface.
Pulling his head out of the water, the man said to the farmer, “I thought you said it was safe for me to ride in that puddle!
“Well, damn!”, replies the farmer, scratching his head.
“It only came up to breast height of my ducks!
A man and his girlfriend take a long romantic road trip.
Suddenly, the driver stops on the side of the highway and begins to undress.
His girlfriend asks him: “What are you doing? What if someone saw us here?
The guy replies: “If you want, we can go under the car and have fun”.
She agrees, but asks, “What if someone sees us under the car?
The guy replies, “Then we can tell them we’re checking the gas tank for a leak.”
So they go under the car and have fun like crazy.
Some time later, a police officer arrives and shouts at the couple: “But what are you doing?
The couple replied: “We are checking if there is a leak in the fuel tank”.
The policeman shouts back: “You should have checked your brakes first.
Your car has rolled down the slope!
A husband, who owns a new car, was somewhat reluctant to let his wife drive his property, even to go to the grocery store,
which was a few blocks from the house.
After she insisted, he finally gave in, warning her as he left: “Remember that if you have an accident, you won’t be able to get out of it,
“Remember, if you have an accident, the log will show your age.”
When a customer left their cell phone in my store,
I scrolled through her saved numbers, stopped at “Mom” and pressed “Send”.
His mother answered and I told her what had happened.
“She told me: ‘Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it.’
A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was “mom”.
“Martin,” she said, “you left your cell phone at the convenience store.”
After being fired from five different jobs in four months, Joe was hired at a warehouse.
One day, he lost control of a forklift and caused it to roll off the loading dock.
Noticing the damage, the owner shakes his head and says he will have to withhold 10% of Joe’s salary to pay for the repairs.
“How much is this going to cost? asks my Joe.
“About $5,500,” the owner replies.
“What a relief ! Joe exclaims. “I finally have job security!
Distracted Husband Thought He Solved His Problem
trying to remember his wife’s birthday and their wedding anniversary.
He opened an account with a florist, gave her the dates and asked her to send flowers to his wife on those dates, accompanied by an appropriate note signed “Your love”.
and asked him to send flowers to his wife on those dates, accompanied by an appropriate note signed “Your loving husband”.
His wife is delighted with this newfound attention and everything goes well until one day he comes home and kisses his wife,
he came home, kissed his wife and said casually,
“Pretty flowers, darling. Where did you get them?”
The doctor was having tea with his wife when the phone rang.
From there his friend told him that three of us were sitting,
with a bottle of 18 year old whisky.
Do you want to come ? The doctor replied that I would come right away.
The woman asks what is happening.
The doctor replied: “Three doctors have arrived,
I also have to go immediately, she’s only 18,
otherwise she will be dead…”
A 50 year old lady, who suddenly started learning to swim instead of going to church like she usually did! !!!
Everyone was curious and asked him
“Why the change in interest in swimming today?”
The lady, looking distraught, replied:
“Whenever my son and daughter-in-law argue, she (daughter-in-law) always asks my son: –
“If your mother and I fall into the water, who will you save first?”
And since I don’t want to put my son in a difficult situation, I’m learning to swim!”
A few days later, the husband and wife were arguing again, and the daughter-in-law asked for no reason:
“Now tell me! If your mother and I fall into the water, who will you save first?”
The husband replied:
“I don’t need to go down into the water, my mother knows how to swim, she will save you.”
The woman refuses to give in:
“No, you have to jump in the water and save one of us.
The husband replies:
“Then you will surely die…. because I don’t know how to swim… and my mother will certainly save you.
Sue calls her husband at work,
“Dan, do you have time to chat?”
“Sorry, honey, it’s not a good time – I’m about to attend a board meeting.”
“But it won’t be long,” said Sue,
“I just want to tell you some good news and some bad news.”
“I really don’t have time,” Dan said,
“so quickly tell me the good news.”
“Oh, okay, the good news is that the airbag in your brand new Mercedes works just fine.”
An accountant is in a car and accompanies a farmer client on his farm.
They pass a large flock of sheep and the farmer says, “You’re pretty good with numbers, Keith.
“You’re pretty good with numbers, Keith. How many sheep do you think there are in this enclosure?”
The accountant looks at the sheep for a moment and responds,
“One thousand eight hundred and thirty-two”.
The farmer is stunned.
“The farmer is stunned. “How did you manage to achieve this result so quickly?
“Easy”, replies the accountant
“I counted the number of feet and divided by 4.
A champion jockey is preparing to take part in an important race with a new horse.
The horse’s trainer meets him before the race and tells him,
“All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach an obstacle you have to shout,
“ALLLEEE OOOP!” very loud in the horse’s ear. If you do that, everything will be fine.”
The jockey thinks the trainer is crazy but promises to shout the order.
The race begins and the horse approaches the first hurdle.
The jockey ignores the trainer’s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight into the center of the hedge.
They continue and approach the second hedge. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, murmurs
“Aleeee ooop” in the horse’s ear.
The same thing happens: the horse crashes in the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey said to himself,
“This isn’t good, I’m going to have to do this” and shouts “ALLLEEE OOOP!” very strong.
Of course, the horse clears the jump without any problem.
This continues for the remainder of the race, but due to previous problems the horse only finishes in third position.
The trainer is furious and asks the jockey what happened.
The jockey responds,
“I have nothing to reproach myself for, it’s the damn horse. Is he deaf or something?”
The coach responds,
“Deaf ?? DEAF ??? Stupid, he’s not deaf, he’s blind!”
WOMAN: Honey, let’s play a game.
MAN: Okay. What is it about ?
WOMAN: If I talk about a country, you run to the left of the room and touch the wall. If I say a bird, you run to the right of the room and touch the wall.
If you run in the wrong direction, you will give me your entire month’s salary.
MAN: Okay! And if you fail, I’ll get your salary too, right?
WOMAN: (smiles) Yes, darling!
HUSBAND: Ok (gets up, ready to run in any direction)
WOMAN: Are you ready?
Husband: Yes, ready
WOMAN: Türkiye
It’s been 4 hours now…
The husband is still there and wonders if she was talking about the country or the bird.
Moral lesson… After God, fear your wife!
A man and his wife were arguing over who should make coffee each morning.
The woman said: “You should do it because you get up first,
“You should be the one doing it because you get up first and we don’t have to wait that long for our coffee.”
The husband replies: “It’s you who takes care of the cooking,
The husband replies: “You’re the one responsible for cooking here, so you should do it, because it’s your job, and I can wait for my coffee.
The wife replies: “No, you should do it,
“No, it’s up to you to make it, and what’s more it says in the Bible that it’s up to man to make the coffee.”
The husband responds,
“I can not believe it ! Show me.”
She goes to get the Bible, opens the New Testament and shows him, at the top of several pages, that it is indeed written: “Hebrews”,
“HEBREWS”.
In the court of a small provincial town, a lawyer calls his first witness,
an old lady of about 80 years old and asks her in a professional style: “Do you know me, Mrs. Rowland?”
“Of course I know you, Mr. Smith! said the old woman.
I have known you since you were little, and I must admit that you disappoint me a lot.
You lie, you cheat on your wife repeatedly, you gossip about your clients.
Of course I know you!” Speechless at this unexpected response, the lawyer points to the other side of the courtroom and says: “Do you know the defense lawyer?
“Do you know the defense attorney?” “Oh yes ! I also know Mr. Soft.
I held him when he was a baby, and I can say he disappoints me too.
He is a drunkard and a gambler. He has difficulty developing a normal relationship with anyone and he is one of the worst lawyers in our city!”
At this point, the president interrupts the proceedings and asks the two lawyers to approach the bench.
When they do, he leans towards them and whispers, “If any of you ask if she knows me, you’re done for!”
A man suffered a massive heart attack while shopping in a store.
The store employee called 911 when he saw him collapse on the floor.
Paramedics transported the man to the nearest hospital where he underwent emergency open-heart bypass surgery.
When he woke up, he found himself under the care of nuns at the Catholic hospital.
A nun sat next to his bed and held a clipboard loaded with several forms, as well as a pen.
She asks him how he is going to pay for his treatment.
“She asks him if he has health insurance.
He answers hoarsely: “No health insurance”.
The nun then asks her: “Do you have money in the bank?”
He replies: “No money in the bank.”
Do you have a relative who could help you pay?” asks the nun irritated.
He replied: “I only have one spinster sister, and she is a nun.”
The nun got angry and announced loudly: “Nuns are not old maids! Nuns are married to God.”
The patient responds: “Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law.”
A middle-aged man and his teenage daughter were riding a motorbike and taking a shortcut through a dark park when they were stopped by a gang of attackers.
and were taking a shortcut through a dark park when they were stopped by a gang of attackers.
They searched them and took the man’s wallet, his watch and the motorcycle, but did not find any of the girl’s jewelry.
When the attackers left, the man asked his daughter;
“Did they take your new diamond ring too, darling?”
“No, Dad,” the girl replies with a smile, “I managed to hide it while they searched you.”
“Hide her? Or ?” asks the boy, “I saw them search you too”.
“I slipped it into my… my… my… um…. pee pee place. “, said the young girl shyly.
“If only your mother was here, we could have saved my motorcycle.
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby looking homeless man, who asked him for a few dollars for dinner.
The man takes out his wallet, takes out ten dollars and asks him: “If I give you this money, will you buy beer instead of dinner?”
“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replies.
“Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?
“No, I don’t waste my time fishing,” replies the homeless man. “I have to spend all my time trying to stay alive.
“The man asks him if he is going to spend his money to buy greens on a golf course instead of buying food.
“You’re crazy!”, replies the homeless man. “I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”
“The man asks her: ‘Do you want to spend this money on a woman in the red light district instead of eating?
“What disease could I get for ten poor dollars?” exclaims the homeless man.
“Well,” said the man, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you to my place for an excellent dinner prepared by my wife.”
The homeless man is stunned. The homeless man is stunned. “Won’t your wife be mad at you for doing this? I know I am dirty and must smell bad.”
The man replies: “It doesn’t matter. It’s important for her to see what a man who has given up beer, fishing, golf and s°x looks like.
Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses.
He appears not to be breathing and his eyes are glassy.
The other hunter takes out his phone and calls emergency services.
He exclaims: “My friend is dead! What can I do ?
The operator replies: “Calm down. I can help you. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is silence, then we hear a gunshot.
Back on the phone, the guy says, “Okay, now what?”
Woman: Honey, should I cut my hair?
Husband: Ok, cut them.
Woman: But I tried so hard to make them grow this long.
Husband: Then don’t cut them: Then don’t cut them.
Woman: But nowadays, short hair is very fashionable.
Husband: Okay, cut them.
Woman: My friends say that short hair looks great on my face.
Husband: Okay, cut them.
Woman: But short hair cannot be tied.
Husband: Then don’t cut them: Then don’t cut them.
Woman: But I still want to experiment with my hair.
Husband: Okay, cut them.
Woman: But what if the hairdresser damages my hair?
Husband: What if the hairdresser damages my hair? So don’t cut them.
Woman: But I think I’ll cut them.
Husband: Okay, cut them.
Woman: But if short hair doesn’t suit me, you will be responsible.
The husband: Then don’t cut them: Then don’t cut them.
Woman: All things considered, it’s easy to have short hair.
Husband: Okay, cut them.
Woman: I hope that doesn’t make me feel weird.
Husband: Then don’t cut them: Then don’t cut them.
Woman: OK, I finally decided to cut my hair.
Husband: Ok, cut them.
Woman: So, when are we leaving?
Husband: Then don’t cut them.
Woman: Do you agree? I’m talking about going to my mother’s house.
Husband: Ok, cut them.
Woman: You don’t look okay! You’re not okay ?
The husband: Then don’t cut them: Then don’t cut them.
.
.
.
This poor man (husband) is now admitted to a mental institution and all he says is “Okay, cut them” and “Then don’t cut them”
A man controlled a voice-controlled robotic car that does everything he tells it to do correctly, without any errors.
He received the car and was very proud of what it could do without errors.
One day, while he was at home, his wife asked him to tell the car to pick up the children from school, because she was very tired.
The man agreed and said to the car,
“Car ! Go pick up my kids from school.”
The car left and didn’t return on time as expected, they realized something was wrong.
Several hours later, without a car, the man began to worry.
He got dressed and prepared to file a report at the police station.
When he and his wife went out, they saw the car loaded with children arriving.
The car pulled up right in front of them and said, “These are your children, sir.
“These are your children, sir.”
In the car were their owner’s two daughters, their choir teacher’s two sons, his wife’s best friend’s daughter, their pastor’s son, and their neighbor’s two sons.
The wife, angry, shouts to her husband: “Don’t tell me all this,
“Don’t tell me all these people are your children!”
The man asks him calmly,
“Can you tell me first why our kids aren’t in the car?”
Monica is at the dentist.
Half of his mouth is blocked by anesthesia, the dentist is working intensely.
Monica’s cell phone starts ringing.
After ignoring him four times, the dentist finally answers the phone, furious: What’s wrong? What’s the matter ? asks a man.
The dentist: Who are you? I’m Monica’s husband.
The dentist: Listen, man, I’m about to finish, she’s going to spill the beans and call you back!!!
A man drives with his wife at his side and his mother-in-law in the back.
The women don’t leave him alone.
His mother-in-law said to him: “You are driving too fast!”.
His wife replies: “Stay further to the left.”
After ten contradictory orders, the man turns to his wife and asks her,
“Who drives this car, you or your mother?”
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital.
The doctor examined her and told them that the delivery would be rather difficult.
He suggested the couple try an experimental procedure.
The woman would be hooked up to a machine that would transfer some of the pain to the baby’s father, thereby reducing his pain.
The man quickly accepts. The doctor warns him, however, that there is a small problem in the machine which causes the pain sent to the father to be multiplied by ten,
and that if the pain became too severe, he should let the doctor know.
The doctor turned on the machine and observed the man.
The man said he felt great and could take more.
The doctor turns the dial to 40, 60, 80 and finally 100% pain, times ten.
The woman gave birth without pain and the doctor looked at the man,
surprised to see that he didn’t even flinch in the face of so much pain.
The couple brings the newborn home. There, on the doorstep, the postman lay dead.
A lady enters a luxury jewelry store.
She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she leans over to examine it more closely, she inadvertently runs out of breath.
Very embarrassed, she nervously looks around to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a salesman doesn’t appear at that exact moment.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
He demonstrates unfailing professionalism and unfailing composure,
the seller greets the lady by saying: “Hello, Madam, how can we help you today?”.
Very uncomfortable, but hoping that the seller was not there at the time of her little “accident”, she asks: “Sir, what is this?
she asks: “Sir, what is the price of this pretty bracelet?”
He replies: “Madam, if you farted while watching it, you’re going to shit when I tell you the price.”
A 15 year old boy felt very horny and decided to have s0x immediately,
he thought for a while and had an idea. He picked up the phone,
and searched for the best call girl in her state with her number,
so he can call her and start making love,
He punched the number into his phone and was about to call her.
and when he saw that the number was already saved with his girlfriend’s name???? .
Mr. Evans discovers that his daughter has found a boyfriend.
As the protective father that he is, he begins to question her about this mysterious man.
“He asks him if he finished college.
“Yes Dad. In fact, he was always first in his class,” the young girl replied proudly.
“He then asks him if he has a good job.
“But of course !” she says.
“Given his good fortune, does he donate to charity?” asks the curious father.
The girl responds: “He is the most generous person I have ever known. In fact, a lot of people think the same thing.”
“That’s great, Emily! I can’t wait to meet him,” he said finally.
Emily smiled at him and said, “Oh, you know him, Dad. He’s the priest of our church!”
A wife was so angry with her husband
that she packed her bags and told him to leave.
As he walked towards the door, she shouted:
“I hope you die a long, slow, painful death.”
He turned around and said:
“So, do you want me to stay?”
A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear.
He takes with him his trusty 22 caliber rifle.
After a while, he sees a very large bear, takes aim and shoots.
When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.
A little later, the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says: “No one shoots me and gets away with it.
You have two options: I can rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop your pants, lean forward, and I’ll take it on my way.”
The hunter decides anything is better than death, he drops his pants and bends over, and the bear does what he said he would do.
After the bear leaves, the hunter pulls up his pants and staggers back into town.
He is mad with rage. He buys a much bigger rifle and returns to the forest.
He sees the same bear, takes aim and shoots. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.
A little later, the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says: “You know what to do.”
Then the hunter pulls up his pants, crawls into town and buys a bazooka.
Now he’s really angry. He returns to the forest, sees the bear, takes aim and shoots.
The force of the bazooka explosion knocks him onto his back.
When the smoke clears, the bear stands over him and says,
“You’re not doing this for hunting, are you?”
A very distinguished lady was on a plane coming from Switzerland.
She found herself sitting next to a kind priest to whom she asked: “Excuse me, father, can I ask you a favor?”
“Of course, my child, what can I do for you?”
“Here’s the problem: I bought a fancy new epilator for which I paid a huge amount of money.
I’m really over-declaring and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it at customs.
Do you think you can hide it under your cassock?”
“Of course, my child, but you must understand that I cannot lie.
“You have such an honest face, father, I’m sure they won’t ask you any questions,” and she gives him the “solvent.”
The plane arrives at its destination. When the priest presents himself at customs, he is asked,
“Father, do you have anything to declare?”
He replied: “From the top of my head to my belt, I have nothing to declare, my son.”
Finding this response strange, the customs officer asked: “And from the top of the belt to the bottom, what do you have?
The priest replied: “I have here a wonderful little instrument designed for use by women, but which has never been used.”
Bursting with laughter, the customs officer said: “Go ahead, father. Next !”
An artist asked the gallery owner if his paintings exhibited at that time had generated interest.
“I have good news and bad news,” the owner replied.
“The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work
and wondered if it would increase in value after your death.
When I told him that was the case, he bought your 15 paintings.”
“It’s wonderful,” exclaims the artist.
“What’s the bad news?” “This guy was your doctor…”
A woman got so angry with her husband
that she packed her bags and told him to leave.
As he walked towards the door she shouted,
“I hope you die a long, slow, painful death.”
He turned around and said,
“So, do you want me to stay?”
The husband’s unexpected response hung in the air, piercing through the tension. The woman paused, momentarily taken aback by his calm demeanor.
After a moment of silence, she softened, realizing the weight of her words. “No,” she whispered, tears welling up in her eyes. “I just… I need some space.”
With a nod, the husband quietly left the room, giving her the space she needed to cool down.
A blonde, a redhead and a brunette take part in the International Brst Stroke Swim which crosses the Channel.
After about 8 hours, the brunette managed to cross, followed shortly by the redhead.
No sign of the blonde.
After 12 hours, they decide to go looking for her when she washes up on the shore.
They rush to her, wrap her in warm blankets and give her a hot drink.
After a few minutes, she breathes better and says,
“I don’t like talking, but I think the other ladies were using their arms!”
A man goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello to him.
He is rather confused because he doesn’t know where she knows her from.
He then asks her: “Do you know me?”
To which she replies: “I believe you are the father of one of my children.”
He then thinks back to the one time he was unfaithful to his wife and says,
“God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I had s+x with on the pool table
with all my friends watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?”
She looks him in the eyes and calmly says, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”
A man goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello to him.
He is rather confused because he doesn’t know where she knows her from.
He then asks her: “Do you know me?”
To which she replies: “I believe you are the father of one of my children.”
He then thinks back to the one time he was unfaithful to his wife and says,
“God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I had s+x with on the pool table
with all my friends watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?”
She looks him in the eyes and calmly says, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”
A mother is in the kitchen preparing dinner for her family when her daughter enters.
She asks him: “Mom, where do babies come from?”
The mother thinks for a few seconds and replies: “Well, darling, mom and dad fall in love and get married.
A fat lady goes to see a health specialist: “Give me advice on how to reduce my body size.”
Health expert: “Okay. You have to move your head right and left at some point.”
The Fat Lady: “When exactly?”
Health Expert: “Well, whenever someone offers you food!”
Lady: “Why did the tomato turn red?”
Man: “Why?”
Lady: “Because it saw the salad dressing!”
The doctor raises an eyebrow, intrigued. “Oh? What seems to be the problem?”
The man sighs deeply. “Well, you see, whenever I try to mate with my wife, I start singing the national anthem.”
The doctor looks puzzled. “That is indeed embarrassing. How long has this been going on?”
The man replies, “Since I started learning the national anthem!”
The man talks frantically on the phone, “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
His friend responds, “Stay calm, I’m on my way. Did you pack her bag for the hospital?”
The man replies, “Yes, I did. But she said she wants to go to the one that sells baby clothes.”
There are three mothers: a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde.
They’re all talking about their children.
The brunette says, “You know, I caught my son smoking weed, so I grounded him for a month.”
The redhead says, “That’s nothing. I caught my daughter drinking vodka, so I grounded her for three months.”
The blonde chuckles and says, “You both have it easy. I found condoms in my son’s room. I don’t even know who he’s sleeping with, so I grounded myself for a year!”
It’s 1957, and Bob goes to pick up his partner, Peggy Sue.
As he arrives at her house, he sees her father cleaning his shotgun on the porch.
Bob gulps nervously and says, “Good evening, sir. I’m here to take Peggy Sue out.”
Peggy Sue’s father eyes him and replies, “Alright, but remember, she’s my little princess. If you make her cry, I’ll make you cry. Got it?”
Bob nods vigorously, “Yes, sir, crystal clear.”
As they leave, Peggy Sue whispers to Bob, “Don’t worry, he’s just joking. He doesn’t even own a shotgun.”
Bob replies with relief, “That’s good to hear. I was afraid he might miss the ‘j’ and hit me with the ‘oke’.”
A newlywed waits in front of the altar with a big smile.
His witness asks him: “Why do you look so excited?”
The groom responds: “I just received the best BJ of my entire life,
A woman walks into a coffee shop and orders a cappuccino.
The barista hands her the drink and says, “That’ll be $4.50, please.”
The woman frowns and asks, “Isn’t there a discount for beautiful women?”
The barista grins and replies, “Sure, ma’am. That’ll be $4.50. Would you like your receipt?”
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, caress her,
comfort her, protect her, hug her, invite her to dinner, buy her gifts,
One day the husband calls his wife “Honey.”
She responds, “Yes, dear?”
He says, “Do you remember when we were young, and I used to call you my butterfly?”
She smiles and says, “Yes, I remember.”
He chuckles, “Well, I was just thinking… maybe I should start calling you my dragonfly now.”
Confused, she asks, “Dragonfly? Why?”
He grins mischievously, “Because you’ve been dragging on and on for years!”
A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door of the first house on the street.
A woman answered the door and listened to his pitch about the latest, most powerful vacuum cleaner.
The woman interrupted him and said, “Sorry, I don’t need a vacuum cleaner. We don’t have any carpets; our floors are all tiled.”
The salesman replied confidently, “Ah, but this vacuum cleaner can suck up even the tiniest dust particles from between the tiles.”
The woman looked unimpressed, “I don’t think so. Besides, we just use a broom.”
The salesman grinned, “Madam, if I could take a small dust ball and make it roll around your entire house, would you buy this vacuum cleaner?”
The woman laughed, “I suppose so, but how could you possibly do that?”
The salesman proudly proclaimed, “Easy! I’ll start by showing you how to use this new vacuum cleaner.”
A woman’s husband had been in a coma for several months, and the doctors had told her there was little hope of recovery.
One day, as she sat by his bedside, the husband’s eyes fluttered open, and he weakly whispered, “Honey, you’ve been by my side through thick and thin. You were there when I got fired, you were there when my business went bankrupt, and you were even there when I got sick. Now, here you are again. You’re truly a blessing.”
The woman, overwhelmed with emotion, replied, “Oh, sweetheart, don’t worry about all that. The important thing is that you’re awake now.”
The husband chuckled weakly, “Yes, but I just realized something…”
“What is it?” the woman asked, leaning in closer.
The husband grinned, “I think you’re bad luck, darling.”
A doctor visited an elderly woman for a routine check-up. After examining her, he said, “Mrs. Smith, you’re in remarkably good health for your age. Is there anything specific you attribute your longevity to?”
The old woman chuckled and replied, “Well, I don’t know, doctor. I guess it’s because I never argue with anyone.”
The doctor raised an eyebrow, intrigued. “Really? That’s quite unusual. How so?”
The old woman grinned mischievously, “Oh, I don’t argue. I just tell them they’re wrong and let them figure it out themselves.”
Thomas is 32 years old and still single.
One day, a friend asked him: “Why aren’t you married?
Can’t you find a woman who would be a good wife?”
Thomas replies: “Actually, I found a lot of women I wanted to marry,
His friend thought for a moment and said: “I have the perfect solution, you just have to find a girl who looks like your mother.”
A few months later, they meet again and his friend says to him: “Have you found the perfect girl?
Did your mother like it?” Thomas responds with a frown,
“Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was like my mother.
You were right, my mother loved him very much.”
The friend said, “So what’s the problem?”
Thomas replies: “My father doesn’t like him.”
A man named Jed went hunting near the Alabama-Georgia border.
As he returned to his truck, a game warden approached him and asked him what he had in his bag.
“Three rabbits,” Jed replied. The guard said to him: “Show me one of these rabbits”.
So Jed took out one of the rabbits.
The director stuck his finger in the rabbit’s asshole, pulled it out, smelled it and said, “It’s a Georgia rabbit.”
The guard then said, “Show me your Georgia hunting license.” Jed showed it to him.
Then the keeper said, “Show me another one of those rabbits.”
So Jed brought out another rabbit. The director stuck his finger in the rabbit’s bunghole, tasted it and said, “It’s an Alabama rabbit.
Show me your Alabama hunting license.” Jed showed them to him.
The guard then said, “Where do you come from, boy?”
Jed pulled down his pants and said, “Handle it!”
A doctor had an affair with his nurse.
Shortly after, she told him she was pregnant.
Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse some money and asked her to go to Italy to give birth.
“She asks him: “But how am I going to let you know that the baby is born?
He replies: “Send me a postcard and write ‘spaghetti’ on the back.
I will take care of the costs.” Not knowing what else to do, the nurse takes the money and flies to Italy.
Six months passed and one day the doctor’s wife called him to his office and explained,
“Honey, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don’t understand what it means.”
The doctor replies: “Wait until I get home and I’ll explain.”
Later that evening, the doctor returns home, reads the postcard and collapses, suffering a heart attack.
The paramedics rushed him to the emergency room. The head nurse stayed behind to comfort the woman.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
The woman then takes the card and reads: “‘Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti – Two with sausages and meatballs, two without’”.
A famous American golfer is invited to travel to China for a golf tournament.
As soon as he arrives, he is treated like a king.
He is staying in a five-star hotel until the day of the tournament.
The day before the tournament, he sits in his hotel room and watches television.
A beautiful Chinese girl walks into his room and he thinks, “Wow, they must really like me here.”
He starts punishing her throughout the night.
She keeps shouting “Chung Hoi! Chung Hoi!”, but he ignores it.
During the tournament, the American golfer scores a hole-in-one and becomes very excited.
He starts shouting “Chung Hoi! Chung Hoi!”
One of the Chinese golfers said, “What do you mean ‘BAD HOLE’?”
A few months after his parents’ divorce,
little Johnny goes into his mother’s room and sees her rubbing her body while moaning: “
I need a man, I need a man!”
Over the next two months, he saw her do this several times.
One day, when he came home from school, he heard her moaning.
When he glanced into her room, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, undressed, threw himself on his bed,
threw himself on his bed, began to caress himself and moan,
“Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike
Woman: “Honey, let’s play a game?”
Husband: “Okay, what is the aim of the game?”
Woman: “If I talk about a country, you have to run to the left side of the room and touch the wall.
And if I mention a bird, you have to run to the right of the room and touch the wall.
If you run in the wrong direction, you will give me your entire month’s salary.”
Husband: “Okay, and if you fail, I’ll get your salary too, right?”
Woman: (smile) “Yes darling.” Husband: “Okay: “Okay” (gets up and is ready to run in any direction)
Woman: “Are you ready?” Husband: “Yes, ready: “Yes, ready.
Wife: “Turkey” It’s been 4 hours now and the husband is still standing there, wondering if she wanted to talk about the country or the bird.
A bus full of housewives going on a picnic fell into a river and all died.
Each husband cried for a week,
One of them continued to cry for over two weeks! !!
When asked if he missed his wife that much, he replied miserably: “No.”
he replied miserably: No
My wife missed the bus!
An 85-year-old man was asked by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his medical examination.
The doctor gave him a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring a sperm sample tomorrow.”
The next day, the 85-year-old man came to the doctor’s office and handed him the jar,
An 85-year-old man was asked by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his medical examination.
The doctor gave him a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring a sperm sample tomorrow.”
The next day, the 85-year-old man came to the doctor’s office and handed him the jar,
The doctor asks him what happened and the man explains it to him.
“Well, doctor, it’s like this: I first tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. So I asked my wife for help.
She tried with her right hand, then with her left hand, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth on the inside, then with the teeth on the outside, still nothing.
We even called Arleen, the neighbor, and she tried too, first with both hands, then with one armpit, and she even tried to squeeze it between her knees, but still nothing.”
The doctor is shocked! “Did you ask your neighbor?
The old man replied: “Yes, none of us could open the jar.”
One day, during a grammar lesson,
the teacher asks to raise their hands to see who can use the word “beautiful” twice in the same sentence.
She first called on little Suzie, who responded with,
“My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked very beautiful in it.”
“Very good, Suzie,” replies the teacher.
She then gave the floor to little Michael.
My mother organized a beautiful banquet and everything went very well,” he said.
“Excellent, Michael!
The teacher then gives the floor to little Johnny.
Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said: “Beautiful, fucking beautiful!”
Two boys were talking and one said to the other,
“There’s an easy way to get what you want.”
The other boy said: “How?” The boy responds: “Tell people you know their secret.”
The boy gets up and runs to his father: “I know your secret!”
The father replies: “Please don’t tell your mother, here’s 10 dollars.”
The boy then runs to his mother: “I know your secret!”
The mother replies: “Please don’t tell your father, here’s 15 dollars.”
The boy then decides to try with the postman: “I know your secret!”
The postman opens his arms and says, “Come give your dad a hug!”
A little boy was woken up in the middle of the night by strange noises coming from his parents’ bedroom.
coming from his parents’ bedroom, and he decided to go see what was going on.
As he entered their room, he was shocked to see his mother and father fucking like crazy.
“He shouts: “Dad! “What are you doing ?”
“It’s okay,” his father replies. “Your mother wants a baby, that’s all.”
The little boy, excited at the idea of having a new little brother,
The little boy, excited by the prospect of a new little brother, is happy and returns to bed with a smile on his face.
A few weeks later, the little boy passed by the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother performing oral s+x on his father.
“He shouts: “Dad! “What are you still doing?”
“Son, there’s been a change of plans,” his father replied.
“Your mother wanted a baby, but now she wants a BMW.
A man enters the shower just as his wife is finishing hers, when the doorbell rings.
The woman quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, Bob, the neighbor, is there.
Before she said a word, Bob said, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.”
After thinking for a moment, the woman places her napkin in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob gives him 800 dollars and leaves.
The woman wraps herself in her towel again and goes upstairs.
When she arrives in the bathroom, her husband asks her,
“Who was it ?” “It was Bob, the neighbor,” she replies.
“Great,” said the husband, “did he mention the $800 he owes me?”
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man who was reading a book and noticed that he was wearing his collar backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, replied: “I am a Father.”
The little boy replied: “My daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that.”
The priest looked up from his book and replied, “I am the father of many people.”
The little boy replied: “My father has four boys, four girls and two grandchildren, and he doesn’t wear his collar like that.”
The priest gets impatient and says: “I am the father of hundreds of people” and returns to his book.
The little boy sat quietly… but as he was leaving the bus, he leaned over and said, “Well, maybe you should wear your necklace…”
“Maybe you should wear your pants inside out instead of your collar.”
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man who was reading a book and noticed that he was wearing his collar backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, replied: “I am a Father.”
The little boy replied: “My daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that.”
The priest looked up from his book and replied, “I am the father of many people.”
The little boy replied: “My father has four boys, four girls and two grandchildren, and he doesn’t wear his collar like that.”
The priest gets impatient and says: “I am the father of hundreds of people” and returns to his book.
The little boy sat quietly… but as he was leaving the bus, he leaned over and said, “Well, maybe you should wear your necklace…”
“Maybe you should wear your pants inside out instead of your collar.”
“Ça va, je crois, mais j’aimerais qu’elle soit plus grosse.”
Le médecin est surpris.
“Vous voulez dire plus fortes ?”
“Non, plus gros, s’il vous plaît”
“Mais pourquoi plus gros ?”
“Parce qu’ils tombent tout le temps.”
Little Johnny comes home from Catholic school with a black eye.
His father sees him and says: “Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?
“But Dad, it wasn’t my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers.
Little Johnny comes home from Catholic school with a black eye.
His father sees him and says: “Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?
“But Dad, it wasn’t my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers.
I reached out and pulled it back. That’s when she hit me!”
“Johnny,” said the father. “We don’t do this kind of thing to women.”
The next day, Johnny came home with the other eye blue and black.
Johnny’s father said to him: “Johnny, I thought we talked!”
“But dad,” said Johnny, “it wasn’t my fault. We were in church and we were saying our prayers.
We all stood up and my teacher, in front of us, had her dress in the back.
Bob, who was sitting next to me, saw it and removed it.
I know she doesn’t like it, so I put it back!
A group of stern-looking hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge,
They stop.
The leader, a strong man, gets off his bike and says,
“What are you doing ?” She replies: “I’m going to kill myself.”
He doesn’t want to appear insensitive, but he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks,
“Before you jump, why don’t you kiss me?”
She does, and it’s a long, deep, lingering kiss.
When she finished, the tough, hairy biker said,
“It’s the best kiss I’ve ever had!
It’s a real talent that you’re wasting.
You could be famous.
Why are you killing yourself?”
“My parents don’t like me dressing like a girl.
A little boy hears the word wh****rehouse at school and asks his father what it means.
His father is very shocked and replies: “Well, uh… we’re going there to… have fun”.
The boy starts screaming and yelling that he wants to go too,
but his father insists he is too young.
On Saturday evening, her father and some friends go to “Suzie’s” house to “have fun”, without knowing that the little boy is following them.
After his father leaves, the little boy comes in and tells the boss that he wants to have fun.
She is a little perplexed at first, but since she has a good heart, she gives him three donuts and tells him to go away.
Later that evening, he comes home, his parents all worried.
His father approaches him first and asks him where he was.
“He proudly exclaims: “In a guest house!
“WHAT IS THIS ? So… uh… how was it?”
“I passed the first two without any problem, but I made short work of the last one.”
Morris is deceased. His lawyer stands before the family and reads Morris’s last wishes.
“To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 150 acres of land and 1 million dollars.
To my son Barry, I leave my big Lexus and the new Jaguar.
To my daughter Shirley, I leave my yacht and $250,000.
And to my brother-in-law Aaron, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my treadmill.”
While reading the newspaper, Walter came across an article about a beautiful actress and model who had married a boxer who was not known for his IQ.
who married a boxer who was not known for his IQ.
“I will never understand,” he said to his wife,
“why it’s the biggest idiots who have the most beautiful women”.
His wife replied: “Thank you, my dear!”
Two rednecks from Arkansas went hunting.
They decide to split up to have a better chance of catching something.
The first said to the other: “If you get lost, fire three shots in the air every hour.
That way I can locate you and find you.” After about three hours, the second hillbilly realizes that he is truly lost.
He decides to fire three shots in the air as the first man told him.
He then waits an hour and starts again. He starts again until he runs out of ammo.
The next morning, the first redneck finds the second with the help of the forest guards.
He asks the second redneck if he did what he told him to do.
He replies: “Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour until I ran out of arrows.”
A blonde bought a brand new car and decided to drive from a very far away place to meet her friend.
She got there in a few hours. After spending a few days there,
she decided to go home and called her mother to wait for her in the evening.
But she did not arrive home that evening or the next day.
When she finally arrived home on the third day, her frantic mother came running and asked her what had happened.
She came out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said: “These car designers are crazy!
Doctor, I have a problem, I’ll finish it very quickly.
Let’s think about what might help you: next time, when having se=x, imagine it’s a lazy Sunday morning,
imagine it’s a lazy Sunday morning, slowly put on your clothes,
brush your teeth, take a long walk, go for coffee, the waiter is hanging around, drink the coffee slowly… Try this recipe.
The next day, the patient comes back and says: I did what you told me:
Imagine it’s Sunday morning, I’m slowly getting dressed,
I slowly get dressed, brush my teeth and go for a walk, but around the corner, the waiter with the coffee appeared!
A man is lying uncovered on the beach
with a huge sombrero on his dignity and a sign “For viewing – BGN 5”.
A woman passed by, wondered why the man was hiding behind such a big hat, gave 5 levs, looked and exclaimed:
Well, he’s hanged!
And the man replied:
Well, madam, if he could work, he would beg!
I’m furious, my wife is cheating on me with a painter.
I found traces of paint in the bed.
It’s good with a painter, and mine is cheating on me with a truck.
“That’s enough, what about a truck?”
“I found a driver in the bed.”
Agnès married and had 13 children.
When her husband died, she remarried and had 7 more children.
Once again her husband died. Agnès then remarried and this time had 5 other children.
Sadly, she ends up dying. In front of her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, “Lord, they are finally together.”
A mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend,
“Do you think he’s talking about her first, second or third husband?”
The friend replied: “I think he’s talking about her legs.”
A woman drives on the highway for the first time.
Her husband said to her: “Be careful, darling, it just came on the radio,
that someone is driving against traffic on the highway.”
She replies: “Someone…?
There are hundreds of these rascals!”
The recruits got a shock when their instructor for Army basic training turned out to be an attractive female sergeant.
His assistant, on the other hand, was a burly, hawk-nosed veteran whose brilliance could freeze water.
At the end of the training, the attractive instructor congratulated the recruits and told them that if she had anything to tell them, she would do it.
and said if she could do anything for us, just ask.
From behind, a voice spoke: “How about a kiss from the sergeant?”
“Of course,” she replies, raising her hand to silence the laughter.
“But I’ll let my assistant take care of it!”